There is so much in this great big wide world. So much happiness and heartache – so many moments. Moments when I catch myself laughing at the familiar way Will butters his toast, sliding the knife into each corner with careful scrutiny. Moments when I find myself crying on the bus in Portland next to a man with willowy white hair, his balding scalp reflecting the sun like a polished hourglass. So many little moments that I don’t embrace.
That’s where I go wrong.
I let those little moments of feeling pass by as I stand transfixed in my own self-doubt and anxiety. I take shallow breathes and exhale quickly. When instead, I should suck back every single minute detail of every second. I should taste every sweet and salty moment in all their bitterness and juiciness.
But, more often that not, I want to move past them. When an ex-boyfriend told me, “I don’t miss you that way anymore”, or when I was the oldest person in my class and I thought, what am I doing here? I wanted to escape and get out of that feeling as quickly as possible.
The unknown is perhaps the scariest of all these feelings. It’s this huge chasm of unaccounted for time and space, the great divide between youth and the ill-defined “adulthood”. Questions gnaw away at the inside of my head. They ask – who will I be? What will I do? What career will I have? Who will I love? Will anyone love me? Will I be a disappointment? Am I already?
But I shouldn’t give way to their apparent truthfulness. I shouldn’t let them dominate moments – MY moments, YOUR moments. They shouldn’t be allowed to infiltrate that time when I climbed a mountain to watch the sunrise, when I worked hard to get straight A’s in university, when I got drunk in my Grandma’s old car and found her old sunglasses (the kind with tinted sides, like blinders on a horse) and put them on to try and remember what she looked like.
I should take greedy deep gulps of these moments. I am 24 years old and there are SO many things in this world. So many things that taste every bit as delicious as everything else, and I want to taste them all.